Road Tripping with The Roc

It's taken some time, but I think I've finally mastered the art of traveling with a toddler. Lessons learned:

1. Bring snacks. One grocery bag full of juice boxes, animal crackers, bananas, and granola bars per three days on the road should do it. Be sure to include some protein bars and beer to keep Daddy from getting cranky.

2. Travel at nap time. (Note: This has totally backfired on us occasionally, resulting in The Roc crashing precisely as we arrive at our fabulous destination.)

3. Stick to his usual schedule as much as possible, in fact. Toddlers are creatures of habit, and they want to eat, sleep, and brush their teeth at the same times each day, regardless of whether they're hanging out at home or living it up at a resort.

4. Make him carry his own bag. This gives him a sense of purpose, slows him down, and means Mommy and Daddy have two less things to carry.

5. Stay at a hotel with a pool. The Roc was more excited about going swimming in the hotel pool than anything else we did on our last vacation. If the hotel has elevators, fountains, or ornamental fauna (swans, ducks, koi, flamingos, peacocks, etc.) so much the better.

6. Stay at a hotel with a spa and premium cable. So Mommy and Daddy have something to do during nap time.

7. Pack twice as many diapers as you think you'll need. The markup on diapers at the typical hotel gift shop is, by my estimation, around 4,000 percent. And don't forget the wipes! Trust me on this: Kleenex doesn't work.

8. Pack twice as many clothes as you think you'll need. On a bad day, The Roc can go through four or five outfits, and no one wants to spend their vacation doing laundry.

9. Forget about traveling light. Besides the extra diapers, clothes, and snacks, it pays to pack all the comforts of home; having his favorite blanket, stuffed animal, bedtime stories, and sippy cup makes The Roc a much happier camper. Mommies shouldn't travel light, either. Necessary luxuries I have dragged long distances in a suitcase include my favorite slippers, bathrobe, and coffee cup; lengthy hardcover novels, framed photos, hot rollers, wine glasses, bubble bath, and an (allegedly) portable stereo. Worth every penny of the excess baggage fees.

10. Tip generously.

Mommy Smells Like Eggnog

I can tell Christmas is coming because we're out of milk, eggs, and butter, but our freezer is overflowing with delicacies like apple strudel, Omaha steaks, gourmet chocolate, exotic shellfish, and puff pastry; also, the liquor cabinet is so well stocked that it actually takes up a whole cabinet for a change. I haven't done dishes in a week, but that's okay because I've only eaten at home once. There was an office party, a cookie exchange, a brunch, a luncheon, another brunch, another office party, and a baby shower, of all things. I've been so busy that I had to borrow a roll of toilet paper because I haven't had time to go shopping for ANYTHING. It appears that, in an effort to spread the Christmas rush out over the whole month, everything has been pushed up to the first week of December. Come next week, I'll be sitting at home reorganizing my wrapping paper drawer.

This year, for the first time, The Roc seems to understand the true meaning of Christmas: candy canes, presents, lights, ornaments, stockings, Christmas trees, carols, eggnog, Santa Claus, and Baby Jesus. However, he pronounces it "eggnob," and he is under the impression that Baby Jesus is a girl.

He also thinks our Christmas tree came from Old Macdonald's farm. In fact, the Christmas tree came from Home Depot, which shares its parking lot with a . . . McDonald's.

Two-year-olds are naturally chock-full of the Christmas spirit. The Roc gave Santa one of his trademark Big Hugs after getting his picture taken with him, and burst into spontaneous applause the first time he saw our house decorated with colorful Christmas lights. When Santa asked The Roc what he wanted for Christmas, he replied: "A lollipop." The Roc is getting a toddler-sized toy kitchen, a PlasmaCar, and a Tonka truck so big he can ride it, but none of it is going to make him happier than a lollipop. Except maybe that toy weed whacker.